Becoming a mother was one of the hardest transitions I have ever had to make in my life. Don’t get me wrong, I fucking love being a mum, but on the road to motherhood I was met with this thing called change and it challenged me to my core.
Since day one I have really struggled with the fact that the word CONTROL was no longer part of my daily vocabularly. It was like my life was flipped upside down overnight and suddenly this little human dictated my every move – when I ate, when I slept, what I wore, where I went, when I showered and even when I went to the toilet. It wasn’t just about ME anymore, it was about ME and MY BABY. In the first few weeks of Jacob’s life I started to feel like I wasn’t myself, simply because everything I did revolved around Jacob. FEED, nappy change, FEED, sleep, FEED and FEED again…on repeat, day in and day out. He relied on me for everything and some days I couldn’t help but feel like I was dairy cow tied to a feeding chair. My life was lacking any sort of structure and I could feel the control slipping through my fingers.
Every day I had to ask myself so many questions…Where will I put Jacob if I need to go to the toilet? Will I be able to wash my hair or just shave my legs today? Will I have time to make my food, let alone eat it before he needs his next feed? Is this going to be another cold cup of tea? Did I restock the nappies in his baby bag? Will he stay on his play-mat long enough for me to vacuum the house? How will I manage getting him ready to leave the house on time, whilst avoiding looking like a walking zombie? Every single thing, even chores, needed to be well thought out and life suddenly seemed so chaotic and rushed. In the beginning I struggled with this so much that instead of resting while Jacob was asleep, I was plotting mental lists of the errands I needed to do, how long it would take and what sequence I would do it in. Just thinking was mentally exhausting and I was starting to feel like I was trying to squeeze five million different things into the few minutes when Jacob wasn’t hanging off my nip. I can remember breaking down on many occasions and saying through tears “I can’t explain it. I just feel so rushed, like I’m rushing every minute of the day, everything I do is RUSHED!”. I needed control over something, ANYTHING, and little did I know it was doing me more harm than good.
If I have learnt anything from the last 5 months of being a mother, it is that you can’t control everything in life and miraculously if I could go back in time I would tell myself to just STOP and let things be. Let the washing pile up, leave the dishes in the sink, let the dust settle and ask somebody else to do it. Ask for help and if you can’t, then fuck it, let the mountains grow! If things don’t go to plan and you’re running late, it’s OKAY, because for the next few years you’re without a doubt ALWAYS going to be late…and if things are really not going well and you have to cancel, then thats OKAY too and people who don’t have babies understand more than you think.
Even to this day, Jacob still dictates everything that I do and I still continue to find it hard to go places or to get stuff done. But EVERY SINGLE DAY I have to remind myself to slow down and enjoy the small moments with Jacob, rather than worrying about the stupid to-do list that I’ve got mapped out in my head because, honey,believe me the stress aint worth it. I’m still working on finding the balance between mum-time, me-time and maid-time, but all I know is that I’m going to take each day as it comes and just roll with it. Some days you’ll be able to tick something off your list and some days not, shit happens and thats life. xx